Broken
by Stargazer22123
Summary: Meredith and Derek break up, no more break up sex, no more sexy steps, and no more S&M how are they both feeling about their broken relationship. Still a work in progress, but on hiatus.
1. Broken

_I told him I didn't want him to date anyone but me, and what does he do? He keeps it a secret that he kissed a nurse that day. You know I might have overlooked him kissing a nurse if he'd told me this. How can I trust him he is always withholding the truth from me. First he doesn't tell me about his wife, then although I know he's given me fair warning that he is dating other women, he doesn't tell me he's kissed another woman. I find out from George. George of all people, he never tells me the hospital gossip unless it's true. How is it I'm always the last to know these important details? I knew I should have walked away every time he asked me to go out with him. Damn I can't believe I caved. I hate myself for falling in love with him. Well I'm done, its over, we're finished. Perhaps I'll go back to my former way of picking up inappropriate men and kicking them out in the morning. Life was so much easier that way. _

"Pour me another, Joe." Meredith belted out with the slightest slur to her words.

"I think you've had enough, why don't I call you a cab instead?" Joe replied the concern etched across his features.

"No, I'm good, I'm not driving, I don't work in the morning, so pour me another one. If you're worried I won't pay here take this." Meredith reached into her pocket pulling out several rumpled bills, smoothing them out slightly before she handed the wad of bills over to Joe. "If that's not enough just let me know."

"Meredith, this is more than enough I'm just worried about you, I think you need to stop now while you can. I'd have lost count of how many shots you've had if it wasn't for the pyramid of glasses sitting there. Come on now I'll just call you a cab, or maybe I should call Cristina." Joe moved away towards the phone, just as he reached it he noticed the person who plunked themselves down beside the drunken resident.

"Don't worry about it Joe, I've got her, I'll give her a lift home. Come on my fellow dirty mistress it's time for you to say good bye to Joe." Mark grabbed Meredith's coat, sliding her arms through the armholes and pulled her to her feet. "Now just tell me how to get to your house and we're good to go."

Just as he finishes saying this Meredith passed out slumping into his arms. "Well I guess that's not going to work."

"Here, I'll write down her address for you, I've been to her place before." Joe scribbled the directions down on a napkin before handing it over to Mark. "I'll call ahead to her house hopefully someone will be there when you arrive."

"Thanks Joe, I'll see you another night I guess." Mark bent at the knees lifting Meredith's limp body into his arms and started towards the stairs for the parking lot. Quickly depositing Meredith in the passenger seat of his SUV, he moved to the driver's side of the vehicle and climbed into the seat. Starting the vehicle and putting it into gear Mark drove to the house following the directions Joe wrote down for him. Once he arrived he was pleased to see the porch light on. Climbing out of the vehicle he rushed to the passenger side, and pulled Meredith into his arms once again. As he reached the front door it swung open and Cristina stepped to the side allowing him to enter the house.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Cristina suddenly notices Meredith laying on the porch swing passed out cold. "Oh this is bad, this is really bad, what happened? Come on you might as well take her up to bed." Cristina led the way down the hall flicking the lights on as she maneuvered through the house. The two climbed the stairs in silence. Cristina left the light off in Meredith's room leaving the room in semi darkness as the hall light glowed in through the open door. Mark follows Cristina into the room laying her on the bed. Cristina pulled her shoes off her feet before she pulled the covers over her friend. The two stood there for a moment watching her sleep. Meredith suddenly let out a loud snore and Cristina sighed realizing that Meredith was out for the next few hours. Walking towards the door and motioning for Mark to follow her they left the room Mark pulling the door closed behind him. They retreated down the stairs in silence once again, Mark heading towards the door to leave.

"Mark, stay for a minute tell me what the hell happened. You better not have drugged her; I swear I'll hurt you." Cristina asked him this as she moved into the living room plunking herself into one corner of the couch and motioned for Mark to sit too.

Following her lead Mark sat in the opposite corner of the couch, and wiped a hand across his face. "I didn't touch her, well besides to help her to and from the car, but really that's just to help her. I'm not sure what happened. She had been drinking heavily before I even arrived on the scene. God what happened today that had her spiral out of control?" Mark looked at Cristina hoping that she would have the answers to the questions jumping around in his head.

Shrugging her shoulders and frowning at his response. "I don't know, I know that Tucker shook her up, hell seeing him in there shook all of us up, but I don't see how that would send her to the bar drinking." Cristina sat in silence once again pondering what could have sent Meredith into this self destructive mode. "What happened today, god she was so happy yesterday, she told me she was telling Derek that she didn't want him to date other women, she was happy, she was working on her issues. What took her from bright and shiny to dark and twisty times four. She wasn't even this bad when Addison showed up." Cristina nervously plucked at the loose thread on the cushion she was squeezing the life out of.

Mark once again swiped his hand across his beard before groaning. Cristina looked up at his groan seeing Mark's enraged expression she realized that he was privy to something. "Spit it out, I know you know something, and let me guess it has to do with your so called best friend, the idiotic neurosurgeon people like to call McDreamy." Cristina sneered.

"I'm guessing that Meredith found out about Derek kissing the scrub nurse Rose, and that has something to do with the drinking." Mark pulled out his phone, scrolling through the numbers looking for the right one.

"Okay, but it has to be something more than that, but I swear this is the last time, I'm going to castrate him for hurting her again. What is it about him and his love of pulling Mer through the wringer?" Looking up she notices that Mark has his phone pulled out and had just hit send and was pulling the phone to his ear. "What are you doing?" Cristina looked at Mark in frustration when he didn't answer her instead holding up his finger to silence her instead.

Speaking into the phone, "hey man, what's going on?" After a minute of silence as he listened to the person on the other end of the line, "what happened today? You don't sound so good." Mark once again listened to the person on the other end of the line frowning at the other person's response. "Man how much have you had tonight? You need to drain the bottle….no not down your throat, go drain it down the sink; you need to sober up man. Come on why are you drinking?" Sitting in stunned silence Mark finally looked up at Cristina and spoke into the phone. "Sorry man, I'll try and come by later, I'm being paged to the pit." Mark snapped his phone shut and dropped it onto the coffee table. Looking up at Cristina he finally muttered. "This is not good, actually it's really bad. Apparently they broke up, no more broken up sex broken up."

"Oh this is not good, where is he, he's at his trailer right," Cristina jumped up from the couch pulling on her shoes and jacket before she grabbed her helmet and keys. "You stay here and watch Mer, I've got something I've got to take care of."

"Whoa, what are you going to do?" Mark jumped up from the couch chasing after Cristina just as she stormed out of the house.

"What am I going to do? What am I going to do? I'm going over there and I'm going to kick some McDreamy ass. He's hurt my person too many times to get away without some kind of payback." Cristina jumped onto her bike shoving her helmet on throwing her weight onto the throttle, waiting until she was turning into the street before opening it up and tearing out of there.

Minutes later she returned in a full rage she stormed into the house with her helmet still on muttering under her breath about stupid neurosurgeons living out in the middle of no where and having no clue how to get there. Grabbing her bag she pulled out her phone and pressed speed dial tearing off her helmet and dropping it onto the table before she spoke into her phone. "Izzie I need you at Meredith's house now, someone needs to stay with her…I don't care if you were going to be crowned the queen of England get your beauty pageant ass here now before I go all apeshit all over you too." Slamming her phone shut she looked up at Mark glaring at him before she grumbled, "the minute Izzie walks in the door we are out of here, you're taking me to McAsshole's place so I can beat the crap out of him."

"That's fine with me, I'd like to hear what happened too, and you can kick his ass after we get the details." Mark stood up and started pacing back and forth behind the couch. "Those two are confounding. I don't get them. They love each other we get that. It's so obvious to us, yet every time we turn around they've fucked up once again and one or both of them are hurting again. Fuck I thought I had problems and Derek was always good with relationships, but he's just blown this one out of the water."

"You know she was trying, she had me going through psych books with her, trying to figure out her issues, and man did she have a lot of issues, but the fact that she was trying was something. The daddy issues, the abandonment issues, the almost dying thing the dead mommy, dead fake mommy she was working through all of them and she'd come to the conclusion that the only time she felt safe and truly happy was when she was with him. You know she told him she didn't want them to date other people, and what does he do he goes and kisses the nurse." Cristina walked over to the front window whipping the curtain back out of the way watching for Izzie's car.

"Oh he knew that she didn't want to date them other people, that's why he showed her the house plans, he thought that it was the next step in their relationship. Obviously not that wasn't the right next step, even I could have told him that wasn't the way to go." Mark continued to pace back and forth, finally going over to stand beside Cristina to look out the window with her. Minutes later they saw Izzie's car pull up in the driveway and the two stormed out of the room meeting up with Izzie in the hallway.

"Okay I'm here, you know I was actually enjoying my evening off for once, but you had to ruin it." Turning to Mark Izzie questioned, "What the hell are you doing here?" Izzie sulked as she pulled off her coat and hung it up on the rack.

"Save it Stevens, you need to make sure Meredith is okay, she's passed out in her bed right now, but you never know if she's going to wake up and start puking. Just because my best friend is an ass and doesn't deserve her, doesn't mean I want anything to happen to her." Mark pulls on his leather jacket as he says this before he and Cristina leave and get into his vehicle. Backing out the driveway he quickly threw it into drive and sped down the street. Izzie stood in the doorway watching the taillights in stunned silence before she turned around and picked up her phone calling first Alex then George calling in for reinforcements.

"Seriously, I know why I'm pissed at him but why are you" Cristina asked.

"He keeps yanking her around, actually they yank each other around, but she's let herself be more open than he has. He's always kept things locked up tight ever since his dad died, he doesn't realize that he has issues like Meredith. I'd like to go and knock some sense into him myself so if you don't finish him off I'll take a go at him." Mark turned and gave Cristina a smirk.

"Oh save it and your McSteamy smile, don't worry about your pretty little head, there won't be anything left of him when I'm through. First we'll go in find out his side of the story then I'm going to beat him in to a pulp. When we're through you'll take me back to Meredith's and hopefully I'll be able to get some answers out of her." Cristina sighed, thinking of the pain her person was going through once again.

"Yang just hold on a minute. Don't get your shirt in a knot. I don't know what's gone on, why they broke up but I can guarantee that Derek will know I'm not impressed with what has happened once again." Mark's grip on the wheel tightened as his anger at Derek began to show. Flipping the turn signal Mark stepped on the brake and turned down the gravel driveway.

"Okay so what's the game plan? How we going to get it out of him what happened? Cristina turned to watch Mark's face as she flung out these questions, figuring he would have a better idea of how to handle Derek.

"Well, he had already started drinking when I called, I don't think he's as bad off as Meredith as long as he didn't continue to drink, but I'm sure it's not going to be pleasant. Just stand clear of him until I can assess the situation. He's got a temper and he's upset he might lash out." Mark looked over at Cristina as he parked the car and turned the key in the ignition.

Mark and Cristina climbed out of the vehicle and moved towards the trailer. Climbing the stairs to the small deck Mark jiggled his keys in his hand in nervousness before finally sliding them into the front pocket of his jeans. Knocking on the door he waited a minute before swinging the door open and walking into the semidarkness shrouding the small trailer. Finding Derek sitting at the table with the nearly empty scotch bottle sitting in front of him Mark places his hand on Derek's shoulder before reaching in front of Derek and grabbing the scotch bottle. Mark handed the scotch bottle to Cristina, who placed it on the counter behind her, as he sat down beside Derek. Mark waits until Cristina sits down across from them before Mark starts the "what happened?" Cristina who had been fully intent on kicking Derek's ass before their arrival looks at the two men in a different light, seeing Derek for once as the broken man he actually is, recognizing the inner pain that he has been fighting since her almost wedding.

Derek groaned as he stuttered out, "I thought, I thought it would be better if we broke up, if she would put me out of my misery of not knowing what I meant to her, but this, oh god, this is worse. I can't, I can't live without her." Sputtering to a stop Derek begins to weep at the mess his life has become. "Oh god it's over, my life is over!"

* * *

**A/N: Okay so this is just a one-shot right now, but possibly a prequel to a fic I'm thinking of writing in the future. I have a lot on my plate right now, and am also writing another fic. Once it's finished I'll start the other fic, but this one needed out of my head. I wanted the angst to come out the pain we know both Meredith and Derek are in, but I didn't want to fix them. The title comes from the song Broken by Lifehouse, it was the song that played in 4.11 as Meredith and Derek broke up and the faith healer came to Tuck's bedside to heal him. **


	2. What A Day

_"The most refined professional lady-like doctor in this hospital came to my defense tonight. The best she could come up with is 'he's a whore.' I'm a whore." "I slept with her, the whole time I was thinking of Meredith, who's the bigger whore?"_

"What is wrong with us, look at us that head of Plastic surgery and the head of Neurosurgery and we're both so screwed up that neither of us can commit to a relationship with the women we love." Derek swiped his hand raggedly through his hair, tousling the curly locks around to further induce the tormented look of pain his body personified.

"I don't know man. I came followed Addison out here because I was in love with idea of Addison but I stayed because you are my brother, my best friend and I'm so messed up I can't live without you in my life. When the hell did we get so fucked up? Mark turned to look at Derek one eyebrow cocked higher than the other.

"You know when Nancy was here she said that I've never been alone, that I've basically always been surrounded by the women in my life, and that I've always had someone. That I've gone from one relationship to another. I didn't entirely believe her when she said that, but hell now I get it. Don't you ever tell her I said this but she was right I can not handle being alone. I find you and Addison in our bed, what do I do I run out of there and avoid the situation. When I get here I met Meredith and started to chase her, then Addison shows up and I leave Meredith, I don't really want to end things with her, but I do, I leave her and go back to Addison. The whole time not giving a shit to Addison and how she felt because I only had eyes for Meredith. Addison and I finally end our scam of a marriage and I almost immediately jump back into a relationship with Meredith. Then we break up and I go right from her to another relationship. I broke her; I hurt her so many times. I ruined the love of my life. How could I be so stupid to not realize what I did to her?" Derek angrily slams his palm against the wall of the elevator as Mark stares in disbelieve at the aggression flowing through Derek. He knows he has a temper, he's seen it before but this was the worst he'd ever seen him.

Mark quietly moved to stand beside Derek, clapping a hand tightly on Derek's shoulder he could feel Derek's body tremble with emotion. The pain that was rippling through Mark's body over today's events multiplied seeing and hearing the pain evidenced in his brother's voice and body. "I don't know what to say. Who the hell am I to be giving you advice, I've just been humiliated by the entire female staff population of this hospital for my stupidity, but all I can say is what the hell were you thinking sleeping with her if you were still in love with Grey?"

Shaking his head in disbelieve "I don't know, I thought I could move on. I wanted to move on, I needed to move on. I thought if I moved on it would help take away the pain of not being with her. Instead I've made more of a jackass of myself and have hurt her once again. God I love her why do I keep doing this. I'm going to break her once again when she finds out that I slept with Rose." Derek once again slams his hand against the elevator wall, this time with a closed fist. When he brings his hand away the wall is slightly dented.

"Whoa man, chill don't go breaking that 2 million dollar a year hand. Chief would not appreciate you doing that. I think we need reinforcements. I don't think we can deal with this alone. I think we need to go see a therapist. I heard there's a good one in New York that would come out here at the drop of the hat if someone called her."

"No, we are not calling Kathleen. I do not want her here." Derek glared at Mark after his suggestion. "I'm going home, you coming to get pissed with me?"

"Sure man, just so you know though I'm not sleeping with you. Just because I'm a whore and you're a whore doesn't mean I'm into that." Mark smirked at Derek as they walked off the elevator towards the lobby doors.

Mark and Derek walked out of the hospital ready to drink themselves into oblivion hoping to erase their pain by drinking tons of alcohol. The only problem with this plan was that instead of the alcohol helping to ease their pain it was only going to reinforce it all the more.

Mark and Derek sat on his deck each holding a bottle of beer as they'd already dispensed of the nearly full bottle of scotch. Both where nicely buzzed and were opening up their newly acquired war wounds to each other.

"You know when I denied sleeping with Torres today, she told me I was useless. She basically confirmed what I already knew that she was using me for sex. I was starting to think otherwise until that moment. I don't want to be known as a manwhore for the rest of my life. I want a woman who wants me for my brain not just my body. Damn when the hell did I turn into you?" Mark snatched up his half empty bottle of beer and chugged it back before setting the empty bottle back down on the table.

"Sorry man that was harsh, Torres has definitely been taking lessons on how to be a bitch from Hahn." Seeing Mark's glare at this he sat stunned for a moment, "you can't seriously still have a crush on Hahn. Do you not see how demeaning she is to you? You may be the second biggest whore on the west coast but you don't deserve to be treated the way she treats you. She's a cold-hearted bitch. Have you ever seen how she treats Yang?"

"No, and why would you notice that kind of thing?" Mark leaned down and grabbed another beer from the case that was sitting between them. Unscrewing the cap he took a large swig before flicking the cap onto the table in front of him using his forefinger and thumb.

"You know never mind. Just Hahn isn't worth your time of day." Derek picked up his beer bottle finishing it off before leaning down and dropping it into the case before he grabbed another one out. He too twisted off the bottle cap and flicked it onto the table before taking a sip from the bottle.

"How did it happen? How did you end up sleeping with her?"

Derek looked at Mark in disbelief. "That buddy I'm not telling you. It was a mistake I'll regret for the rest of my life and I'm not going to rehash it with you. I can't believe I did it. You know I enjoyed her company, she's a lovely woman there was chemistry but she just wasn't…"

"She wasn't Meredith, and that's the thing, no matter how many woman you moved on with they would never be Meredith. You will compare every woman to her. You know I don't know if I said something to push her but if Rose was the one that initiated it, I'm sorry if my words pushed her there." Mark looked away in shame thinking of what he possibly did to push his favorite dirty mistress and his brother further apart.

"She didn't force me to do anything. It was mutual; I'll just regret it for the rest of my life. You know tonight I didn't want to go home; I wanted to spend the night at the hospital with Meredith overlooking our clinical trial patient. It's been amazing working with her; I just didn't want that to end. Rose came by asking if I was ready to go home, and I'd already decided to stay overnight. Well Meredith convinced me to go home that she'd page me if there were any complications. I left the woman I loved to go screw the woman I was trying to replace her with. I messed up." Derek thrust his hands through his tousled hair, yanking at the strands of hair feeling a weird pleasure at the painful sting of hairs being pulled across his scalp. "You know the more I think about it the more I realize we are alike. I may have been married and in committed relationships but I'm just as messed up as you. Again like Nancy said, I grew up in a house with four sisters and a dead dad. How can I not be screwed up? Maybe you're right, I need professional help." At Mark's look he lifts a finger and waves it in Mark's face. "Professional help yes, but not from Kathleen, I need someone anonymous. Tomorrow I'm going to the Chief to get the name of a good therapist. Maybe you should come too."

"Yeah I should maybe work through things again. You know I was going to a shrink in New York? I was working on my self-loathing and destructive behavior. I know I've got issues, but I was really trying to overcome them when I was with Addison, when she rejected me I realized there was no point. That you could never teach an old dog new tricks." Mark cupped his chin in his hand running his hand over his rough beard before looking over at Derek. "You know when you first broke up with Grey and still slept with her and you told me you had a problem, you had an addiction to her, well you know I've been thinking. You're not the only one with a problem. We all have problems, and we all have addictions. Mine is sex, yours is Grey, hers is avoiding. We all have them, they all stem from some broken form of who we were originally to be. You know Grey once told me that Ellis never allowed her to trick or treat as a kid. She's never dressed up for Halloween. Grey was broken at a young age, she was broken the day her father walked out the door and never looked back." At Derek's raised eyebrow, "yes I know about her father walking out, it's one of the first things I knew about her. You get that she's broken, but you're just as broken. Until you both fix yourselves the two of you will just continue to hurt each other."

"When did you get to be so wise?" Derek looked at Mark absorbing his wisdom while he sat in awe that these words were actually coming from the broken man sitting beside him.

"I've always been wise, but this comes from therapy and watching you too with your love hate battle that you have going on. I can't watch you two each day without picking up things. You both love each other deeply but you both have issues that you need to work through before your love hate battle turns into something better. Both of you deserve better than what you are giving each other right now, and you aren't going to get it till you both work on your problems. Some you need to work on individually but others you will need to work on together.

**A/N: Okay so this is chapter two of Broken. I've wanted to write more of this fic but haven't had a chance to until now. Last night's episode was so amazing, the heartbreak, pain and hurt of secrets was so poignant just watching the conflict each character had to deal with throughout the episode was so well portrayed. I hurt and cry for Mark, and Cristina, neither being recognized for the amazing person that they are. I cry for Meredith, Derek and even Rose as they will be swept up in the pain of these relationships and the downfall. Izzie is becoming her strong self once again she is finally rebounding from the spiraling craziness of falling in love with a patient and then sleeping with her married best friend. All of the former interns and George is taking huge steps to become a better person. Alex trying to be a father, Izzie is becoming strong again, not bowing to the pressures of fixing her friends. Cristina is taking a stand for who she is, for what she did to help Burke, she's fighting for her own recognition and status without being known as the woman left at the altar by the world renowned Cardiothorasics surgeon Preston Burke. George is accepting his failure and learning from his mistakes, speaking up for himself and growing a backbone. Meredith is making huge headway and taking steps to fix herself. Fix what Ellis, Thatcher and Derek broke. Like they said in the first episode. Meredith is the one to beat, and she is proving that by the research and work she is doing in the clinical trial. She wants to succeed, not for Ellis, not for Thatcher, and not for Derek for herself and I love that about her. **


	3. Good Arms vs Bad Arms

"_It was a really good day."_

"_Look I'm just going to say this because your insurance only covers twenty sessions and I feel we should get right to the point. That was a load of crap it was not a good day. Your patient died alone unable to tell the love of his life how he felt."_

"_Yeah but he did it for his boyfriend. I actually think it was kindof heroic." _

"_It's a load of crap."_

"_Stop saying that."_

"_Look let me draw the parallels for you, the tragic patient dies alone, while the love of his life is literally in the next room. That's you."_

"_Wh-what are you talking about I'm not dying alone."_

"_Oh but I think you are, and you're telling yourself you're a hero when in reality all you are is alone."_

"_That is a load of crap."_

"_He's with Rose."_

"_You know what, I'm not doing this."_

"_He's with Rose."_

"_Why do you keep saying that."_

"_Because if you can't see what is wrong with that sentence 'He's with Rose,' we're never going to get anywhere. He's with Rose."_

"_Okay so he's with Rose, so what."_

"_And if he's with Rose that means he's not with you and do you know why he's not with you. You're scared."_

"_Are you calling me a coward."_

"_I think you're very frightened Dr. Grey."_

"_Are you calling me a coward?"_

"_What do you think."_

* * *

"I am not a coward, I am not a coward." Meredith repeated this mantra as she stormed down the hallway. Buzzing past first Cristina, then Alex, Bailey and Derek standing at the Nurses Station and finally she was at the stairwell. Slapping her hands against the door she shoved it open and stormed down the stairs.

"Wh-what was that?" Bailey looked up from the chart she had been writing in and looked towards the slowly closing door of the stairwell. Noticing the bobbing ponytail of Meredith before the door eased shut she finally turned to Derek. "Did she just say, "I'm not a coward? What is that all about?" Bailey stopped writing in the chart before she closed it and pulled it to her before crossing her arms over her chest and gave the Nazi stare that all interns, residents and attendings were afraid to cross.

Derek having heard Meredith muttering under her breath had also watched her storm through the hallway. Clicking his pen to retract the nib before placing it in his lab coat pocket he finally looked up. "I have no clue what that was about. Maybe something to do with the clinical trial, it's getting to her that we haven't saved anyone yet."

Alex overhearing the conversation going on between Derek and Bailey realized that something major was going on with Meredith. Having seen her go down the stairs he decided to see if he could talk to her. Knowing where she was probably going for some peace and quiet Alex jogged down the stairs and headed towards the tunnel. Once he walked in he noticed his small-framed friend literally beating the stuffing out of the gurney.

"I am not a coward, I am not, Ellis Grey did not raise me to be a coward. I am strong, I am independent I am, I am, I am…." Meredith's voice became quiet as it broke on a sob. "Oh god, I'm so stupid, I'm a pathetic person so weak, and unfocused. Mother was right I'm not going to make it. I don't have what it takes to be a surgeon. I'll never make it as a surgeon. I don't have what it takes."

Alex finally moved forward crouching in front of Meredith. "Mer, Meredith, Mer, stop it, what's going on?" Alex wrapped his hands around Meredith's upper arms gripping her arms essentially preventing her from her rampage of abuse on the innocent gurney. "What happened? Did one of your clinical patients become verbally abusive? They didn't hurt you did they?" Alex let his grip loosen around Meredith's upper arms moving one hand up to brush the tears away from her eyes.

Meredith looked up at Alex in shock. "What? No, no nothing happened with a patient. It's just Dr. Wyatt, she…she called me a coward." Meredith's eyes brimmed once again with unshed tears as she ran the conversation over in her head once again. "She told me that I'm dying alone, that the love of my life is with someone else and I'll never move forward until I get past the fact that…oh god she's right I'm worthless, I'm a piece of crap. I'm so fucking ordinary."

Alex looked at her in shock. "What right does a quack doc have in telling you you're worthless? That you're ordinary?" You're so far from ordinary Mer, you know that right?"

Meredith looked down at her scrubs picking a piece of lint off the knee of her scrub pants before she spoke. "It wasn't Dr. Wyatt who said that." Meredith awkwardly laughed before she looked at Alex. "I don't believe most of the crap she tells me but it reinforced what Ellis thinks…thought of me. She's the one who told me I was ordinary, that I wouldn't amount to anything."

Alex looked at Meredith's dejected slumped body before he straightened and then plopped down beside her on the gurney. "You know I get that you want to prove yourself, I get that you want to be a better person than Ellis ever thought you could be, but you don't get it. You are a better person. Ellis Grey was a cold-hearted bitch who loved surgery more than her daughter. You won the competition, you have the sparkle pager, you're a second year resident and you set up a clinical trial." Alex rubbed a hand over his short hair before continuing on. "You know crap happens you've got to get over it and live life, don't be scared shitless. If anything I'm the one whose scared shitless."

Meredith looked over at Alex, and for the first time noticed his tired and worried features. "What's going on?

Alex turned away from Meredith slightly looking out the window to watch the rain pelt down onto the pavement. "I fucked up, I fucked up big time. I don't know what to do." Finally turning back to Meredith he quickly blurted. "Rebecca's pregnant. How the hell am I going to be a father? I can't be a father I'm a fuck up."

Meredith gasped when she realized what Alex had just told her. Looking over to him she notice they had similar postures. "Alex you'll make a good dad, just be there, don't run away. That's my only advice. Trust me the only way you can screw a kid up is by taking off and never returning."

Alex grunted in response before he slammed both elbows down on his thighs and pressed his cheeks into the palms of his hands. "There are other ways to be a bad father. Like beating the crap out of your wife, doing drugs or just being an ass. I don't want to be a dad I can't bring a kid into this world knowing I'll be just like him."

At Alex's comments Meredith realized that Alex wasn't speaking random thoughts but speaking from experience. "First of all you don't do drugs, you are one of the kindest most honest guys there is out there, yeah you are an ass, but once you get past your prickly cactus shell, you're actually a cuddly teddy bear. Just be yourself, let your guard down and love him or her. You'll do fine." Meredith leaned into Alex slightly after she finished speaking. Knowing both of them could use some contact from a friend.

The two sat side by side in silence for a few minutes both digesting the conversation they just had and the events of the day. Finally Meredith spoke quietly. "He's with Rose, he's with Rose, he's with Rose. Why does it hurt to say that?"

Alex wrapped an arm around Meredith's shoulders and hugged her closer to him. "Probably hurts because you don't want him to be with Rose, you still love him and only want him to be with you."

Meredith once again looked up at Alex with red-rimmed eyes, tears glistening on her cheeks. "I can't let him go, I don't want him to move on but I can't be with him. I can't expect him to love someone like me, he doesn't want me he just wants the idea of me." Meredith impatiently brushed away the tears that were running down her face. Murmuring again Meredith quietly says her mantra of the week. "He's with Rose, he's with Rose, he's with Rose, he's with Rose. I am not a coward, and I'm not scared. I can handle it." Whispering quietly she says with little conviction. "He's with Rose, there I can say it, I can get over him."

Alex looked at Meredith, slightly smirking but at the same time trying to control it because of the pain filled expression on her face. "Mer, does it get any easier saying it over and over again? Are you really getting over him?"

Meredith and Alex sat in silence as she refused to answer his question. At first not refusing to answer because she couldn't accept the fact that she really wasn't over him, and then when she did come to that realization she couldn't answer because of the uncontrollable sobbing that racked her small frame. Alex hugged Meredith closer to him. "I didn't think so, you can't get over someone you love that easy." Alex sat with Meredith until her sobbing subsided. Finally she looked up at Alex with a small smile on her face.

"You're going to make a great dad. You've got the taking care of someone who is being a weak-assed knobby knee whiney brat down pat. Thanks Alex." Meredith pulled herself away from Alex, running her hands across her face to wipe away all evidence of her tears.

Alex stood up from the gurney and stretched his arms up over his head before he gave Meredith a pat on the shoulder. "You know you really do have this 'miserable diseased dirty ex-mistress' thing down to a tee. Maybe you should give it up for a change." Alex ruffled her hair and quickly walked away before Meredith could respond.


End file.
